Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
