I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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