Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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