Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
