if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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