His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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