I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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