this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
