There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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