ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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