Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
