My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
