Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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