For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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