there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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