Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
