I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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