I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
