Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
