so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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