There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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