Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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