I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
