apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
