u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
