I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
