Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
