I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Damn victory sex feels great
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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