Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
