mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
This house was built for laser tag.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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