If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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