I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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