Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
