This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
