Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
