At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
