Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
