Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
