Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
