i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
