I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
