Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
