THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
