I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
