Sober January is a disaster.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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