so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
