Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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