this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
