All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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