if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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