Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
